Stories: John, a Single Dad

*Names of children have been changed to protect their privacy.

I’m a 38 year old single father; my daughter and I have been on our own for 2 years now. Kelsey is four years old now, so she’s been without her mom for over half her life. What scares me about the situation is that someday Kelsey is going to ask why her mom left her, why she wasn’t good enough for her to stay, and that’s going to be a tough thing for a kid. I’ve seen some psychogists about it, and if she needs help someday, I’ll definitely get help for her.
 
Some of the struggles I’ve had raising a daughter have been difficult because I want to be a mother and a father to her. My daughter didn’t choose to have a single dad, so I feel it’s my responsibility to be a better parent than most kids are getting. At one point I was very involved with the PTA, and I do a lot of volunteering to be involved. But some of the things that are hard for me are things like doing her hair; these other girls come to school and their hair is all pretty and has bows and is braided, but I can’t do that; there’s just a lot of things like that. Time issues are a struggle for me; I wake up at 5 each morning, make our lunches, we go to school and work, and by the time I get home, make dinner, get her ready for bed, there’s no time for play, no fun time. It’s either parent or work time; I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it’s hard. I’d like to get some rest; it’s always busy, there are always things that need to be done.
 
For my daughter, I know it’s awkward for her because a lot of moms will come in to school to volunteer and have lunch. I drop her off at 7 a.m., and pick her up at 6 pm, 11 hrs a day on average; That’s really tough; I feel really guilty about that. She should be able to come home from school, have a snack, watch tv, play with friends, and she doesn’t have that opportunity, and I don’t know if she will ever get to do that. I don’t plan on remarrying until she is an adult or in college. I just don’t want to break in a step-mother situation. It’s tough at school in May when they make mother’s day cards, or gifts for the moms at Christmas; typically most divorced parents there’s a mother and a father. She brought home a gift for her mom—what do we do with it? Here we are in March and that gift if still sitting in a bag on the mantle of my fireplace, and I don’t know what to do with it. She says, “That’s for my mom”, and I want her to know she has a mom--but that’s the biggest struggle, that she doesn’t have a mom in her life.
 
When I decided to get help, I didn’t have any choice, I had to get help. I didn’t know where to go, but a friend in the childcare industry helped lead me on the path I needed to get help. I was extremely fortunate; I got a hold of one of the social workers; she gave me a list of childcare providers I could use, and I started calling and had that taken care of in 2-3 days. They gave me food stamps, more than I could use, and an allowance to help with my heating and electric bills. The hardest part for me was getting my daughter into the Medicaid program; I had to jump through a lot of hoops to do that. We were both uninsured, and I kept having to fill out paperwork, and would fax it in, but then it would get lost, and then I would call and call. Finally I took the paperwork in; once I got her in the system, it was great. I was able to to take her to the ER without paying a penny. I called several pediatricians, and found one that would see her pro bono; there are doctors who will work out payment plans because they care about kids. I emailed every dentist in my city, and the one everyone in my city wants to see replied a week later that she would be willing to see my daughter. When I was uninsured, my family doctor was willing to see me just for a co-pay amount. Most people are unaware that people in the medical profession are willing to negotiate.  As a single parent you have to think about things you don’t normally think about, because it’s a different situation.
 
I always say Kelsey’s my angel, and God gave her to me to save my life. I’m an alcoholic, and I’ve been sober 2 years. When I separated and became Kelsey’s sole caretaker, I was still drinking a lot. I woke up one morning and Kelsey was saying “Daddy, I’m hungry, I’m hungry”;  it was 11 a.m. She had been awake for hours, and she could have really hurt herself; anything could have happened. It was really dangerous. That day I decided to sober up, and found an AA meeting in my area. I went to my first AA meeting, but on the way home bought a six pack. But the next day I went back to another meeting, and that was it. Going through what I went through made me become an adult, become a man; I don’t know what would have happened if I had kept going down that road. Eventually I would have lost Kelsey, whether through CPS, or through death or jail. I think God really put people in my life to help me thorugh these struggles. About my 4th AA meeting, a guy came up and offered to me my sponsor; I probably would have never gotten a sponsor. He was in his 60s, but had been a single parent, his wife had had mental issues and killed herself when his son was two. Just out of nowhere, this guy came up who had been through everything I had been through. I was very fortunate that he put himself in my life. It was tough for me, but it was really fortunate. It’s hard to say that going through divorce is “fortunate” but they say you can either get bitter or better, and it made me get better and I’m fortunate that I took it and used it and made it work for me. I’m a stronger person.
 
If I was talking to a guy who was going through this, I’d tell him it is tough, it is going to hurt; you are going to be lonely, and sad; it’s like losing someone to death. But you have to move forward, keep a positive attitude, put your kids first. You’ve got to be the role model, and be strong for your kids because they are hurting, too. You can’t do it alone; there are people who are willing to help you who have gone through it, and you can learn from them. Don’t be too proud; get the help. The help is out there.
 
If there had been Parenting Alone at the time, there would have been people to help me find the services I needed, to be an advocate to help me through it, to help me navigate the systems and get what I needed in ways I could afford it to make it doable; that’s just huge. For instance, I got a job at a hospital, and talked to the chaplain. He told me that I could go to a seminary school to get counseling for $10. The church I go to offers a “Kids Night Out”; it was a place to give me a break so I could get some time alone. It would have been really great to walk into a place and find people who had gone through this before, and they understood the emotions and could help guide you through it. The thing is, you’ve got to talk with someone who’s walked the walk, who has been through it. That gives them credibility. It would have been really nice to have someone like that right off the bat, because it’s tough.